april 9 2022 7:20 am

stress and regresssion
this hasnt been my best month so far. this semester wraps up soon, its been a real rough one if im being honest. my grades are awful. im lagging not out of laziness but genuinely being terrible at the content and not fast enough for how quick paced the courses are.its been overwhelming and its pushed me to consider seeking accommodations. ive never sought help before in my life, which is my problem. thats something that comes with being raised as some perfect gifted kid, you get made to think you dont need help and if you do, you’re nothing and you’ll get punished for lacking. so yeah. dealing with breaking down old complexes so i dont flunk college. tis the life of a hashtag “smart” kid. why did adults ever convince me that getting help was bad? i dont know how to get any now that i need it. thanks alot.
with all the stress of college, my whole age regression shit has been alot more evident and harder to brush off like nothing is going on. its always been involuntary but now its harder to snap out of it when i need to. ive always been childish and silly, a bit more on the immature and kid like side but this is now like, embarrassing because when i become regressed i remain that way for a while and its impacting my interests. to be turning 21 in december and dealing with this is a bit complicated. making friends is impossible when all i can do is bring up pokemon or little kid shows or show people my stuffed animals like they actually give a shit. im too weird and behind for my own good and its just discouraging that this is the way i am. i want to be happy that im like this because its who i actually am, but the world is fucking mean!!! lol!! if you dont somehow find the right people to be around, you will be made to feel like an anomaly.
age regression is meant to be a healthy coping strategy for the conditions i have but its less of a coping strategy for me and rather just how i am, which is the issue. sometimes a switch flips in my head and i go from being kinda functional and mature young adult to wweeeeee little kid mannerisms and personality. like aaaugh!! its embarrassing that im this way. im personally okay with it but it just doesnt work in this world! only in my stories and aus i make up to feel less bad about having this as part of me. basically life is mean and makes me wonder if im broken. i can just keep trying to shake it off like its not bothering me but its bothering me for sure. i can just hope someday i find people who accept my weirdness without laughing or misinterpreting me.