april 12 2022 4:13 pm

finding my freedom
ive been reflecting alot lately on how much i worry about how i'm perceived, and how that ultimately makes me miserable and too afraid to do the things i love.
at a point of my life for a short time due to meds, i was able to go about my day not giving a fuck, doing whatever i desired and being who i wanted without paying mind to what anyone else thought. while yes, it was me in a dangerous state of mind, but for once i was actually free from the anxieties i find myself plagued with everyday that keep me from really being who i want. i want that back. i want that freedom back where i did what i did without worrying about what someone else might say behind my back or think about me. i want the confidence back that let me pursue my passion projects because i wanted to do them. i didnt give a fuck if they sucked or not, i thought they were badass and i wanted to show them to the world. and if someone didnt like them? they could suck my dick. heh. it was a cool way of thinking. i dont know what made me care so much about how im perceived now and believe its always negative, but damn is it holding me back!!
im not saying i want to be back in a psychotic manic episode again, but the freedom i felt during it i wish to achieve in a stable state of mind. i want to develop enough confidence to be able to hold myself the way i did when i was barely me, i want that free Rea to be the Real Rea, if that makes sense. i was fighting for myself for once. standing up for myself. speaking up. flying. i was free. but when i stablized its like i crawled back into my little shell and went back to shivering at everything i thought referenced me. back to being paranoid and weak. fragile and not knowing how to define myself, too afraid to make a statement with how i presented myself. i went back into the masses to blend in and be “acceptable”. i turned back into a coward for the sake of safety, for the sake of not being rejected.
i wish there was a way for the free Rea to guide me on this journey of self confidence and freedom. we are one of the same being, just one is locked away for the better good while the other must learn to be her without the other not good stuff that rea was doing.
this summer i plan to really work on myself and find this freedom again. i turn 21 soon and i want to finally let myself live in the world without limiting my self expression because of my fear of being rejected or told im not correct. who gives a shit what others feel about me. its just the way of the world at this point and you know what, its not worth sitting around wishing i could be enough for everyone or acceptable enough and liked. i just need to find me, be me and be proud of me. someone will accept me for the rea i become, and thats what i need to focus on instead of all the noise i let keep me in my shell.